What the heck is this blog?

[Matisyahu "Youth"]

this blog began in april as a tool for well being, functioning as a food journal. however, it has developed into the outline of a story beginning last january and extending through today. i began writing entries about the topic foremost on my mind (marijuana) and from that grew a train of thought now blossoming into full bloom. on these web pages you can find traces of this bloom and its thoughts, and i hope you will enjoy it.

what marijuana sparked in me extends beyond a desire for fair government, community and peace. it brings into 3D the tenderness and transparency of life that is otherwise layered behind images we can’t see around or through. as i smoke and contemplate the complexities swirling around inside of me and also contemplate how across the world millions are living their day, each person with a trillion unique details about his/her life, i wonder at how one divinity can catch the tears of them all, laugh with all the joyful and care after all the sick and needy. smoking and thinking about this brings into panoramic view how small my bedroom is within this cold, winter night. suddenly the starry sky outside my window is daunting in strength and length. the world grows big and our problems stay the same, consuming and exhausting our bodies and spirits.

at all of these wonders i wonder as i smoke. as the world shows itself more transparent against the lyrics and music of Trevor Hall, the tough exoskeleton of religious people and the idea of church as an institution crumbles as dust before my feet. left in the hollowed out darkness are souls quivering for a bit of light and bread for their aching bodies. suddenly everything man has known or decided as valuable or worthy of a rule becomes a gimmick flapping its frayed ends in the wind. like a forgotten flag at the fair it flies high in the lonely summer nights after the party has packed up and left town. all that remains in such a moment is that unseen wind occasionally sweeping through our souls and bringing with it a hope far too fleeting. yet we carry on in our ways always remembering that hope and desiring to come upon it again in our travels or works.

suddenly all that matters is grasping the shining bulb of hope we saw glowing in our hearts that one time in the past. the desire for such a hope is consuming, enriching and ultimately fruitful because of the Divine’s great gift of grace and mercy upon our souls. “seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened.”

in light of the gift of illumination and invitation into the Divine’s courts, all remaining for us to do is think with reverence and awe on the Divine. as King David humorously demonstrated for us, words fail and bloat what is naturally full and bountiful. King David begins a psalm of exaltation to the glorious and holy Divine with the anticlimactic and imagery-bland line, “O LORD my god, you are very great!” (psalm 104)

at such a moment when one thinks and smokes and listens to the noise of the world and the static of the spiritual, such a statement like Kind David’s becomes a hammock for the mind to recline in. words fail to convey the immensity of a moment, and so we can rest in the words of one who said it more plain but just as truly.

the divine alone is large enough to occupy the thoughts of the mind. one does not need to add into the equation the god-complex’s of men and the banners we fly over our beliefs. is contemplating on the divine not task enough for us?

thinking such things fills up my time, and i spend even more time wondering if i am not also guilty of the very sin of distraction i accuse others of committing. the time i spend writing about my attempts to understand the Divine could be better spent simply dwelling with the Divine. so it is with this self-doubting method my brain turns over day by day. whatever is writ or read here hopefully we can all acknowledge is a waste of time compared to what we could be doing with the hour at hand.

knowing all of this i walk in faith, proceeding.