“Death had a kind face. In her loneliness, he was her best friend.”
When you stop caring about yourself, you stop worrying about walking home alone in the dark anymore…
With money you can buy a house
But not a home.
With money you can buy a clock
But not time.
With money you can buy a bed
But not sleep.
With money you can buy a book
But not knowledge.
With money you can see a doctor
But can’t buy good health.
With money you can buy a position
But not respect.
With money you can buy blood
But not life.
With money you can buy sex
But not love.
Don’t you hate it when you stick your neck out for people and defend people and be there for people, and then they act so unappreciative and ungrateful about it? Yeah, that’s pretty much how I’ve felt about her the past couple of weeks.
When shit really goes down, she acts like my problems are a burden to her, that it’s something she has to “deal” with. What a brat.
When her and her boyfriend broke up and she didn’t have a place to live, who did she turn to? Me. I took her in, gave her a place to stay, rent free at first for two months, and then she stayed permanently. I gave up my sanctuary, my place of peace where I can be alone, so that she could have a place to live. I had been waiting forever to have a place of my own but I gave that up for her because that’s the right thing to do.
To console her, I took her out with me, and let her spend time with me. I introduced her to my friends. I taught her how to talk to people and how to make friends because as she was in a relationship for three years and never went out, I gave her some pointers when we were around people. Ask for phone numbers, I told her. Don’t be weird or tell people you just meet too much about you. Ask them basic questions like what year they were, their major, or things of that sort. Okay, she said.
As weeks turned into months, I could tell she became more confident in the way she interacted with people. Those people, my friends. Still though, she wasn’t yet comfortable going out to places without me, so I continued going out with her. If I was too busy, I’d tell her that there were events at so-and-so’s house, you should check it out and maybe take part in the big bro-little sis program.
That night she went and came home with a big bro. Great, that’s good for her. Now she has friends. I later found out who her big bro was and of course he’s my friend. That’s cool too.
Within the past month, the way she dressed changed. Her wardrobe became similar to the people she hung out with, wearing Diamond, Huff, all those fuck boy/girl brands. Whatever, no big deal I guess.
And then I started to notice, her phone vibrates and she’s up and getting ready and leaves the house without even saying anything. I ask her where she’s going and she says, oh, the library. Okay. Later on in the night, I’m laying in bed figuring out my plans for the night and guess who I’d see in my friends’ SnapChats, my precious baby sister. Hmm.. Thought you were at the library, I texted her. She says that she was but her big bro texted her to come drink.
That’s cool. Didn’t ever think to let me know or ask me if I wanted to meet up? When this began to become a routine, I realized how used I felt. So you only talk to me when it’s convenient for you? Okay, some sister you are. Spoiled little brat who doesn’t even know how to show any type of appreciation for where you are today. I created you. I gave you what you have and I can easily take it away if I was just as heartless as you are.
Be careful though, one wrong move and I’ll kick your ass in the street. I promise you, these friends that you have, I’ve known them many years longer than you have. They’re friends for fun, but if shit goes down for you, I can guarantee that they’ll never take you in the way that I did. If I kicked you out of my house, I promise you that you will not have a place to live with them for long.
Don’t ever forget where you came from and the people who got you to where you are today. Those are the people that had your back from day one, not the people that you’re barely just getting to know right now…
It’s nice to feel at the end of the day that someone out there cares for you better than the last person did. Although it still is difficult to let someone in, afraid that you’ll be judged by who you are, you’re slowly opening up yourself to the possibility that this someone really won’t hurt you.
You’re taking it slow, but you’re progressing to be able to open up your heart again to care for someone new. You tell yourself that it’s about time you let something good happen to you, someone good.
You have little to no expectations that something will happen in the future, but to KNOW that this person sincerely and genuinely cares for you makes you feel safe to not expect so much. The feeling of knowing they’re not playing you. The feeling of security… You haven’t felt this feeling from a person in years. You don’t question what they’re doing when you’re not there. You don’t question the kinds of people that they spend time with. You don’t question what they do on their free time. Because at the end of the day, even if they’re currently not doing these things with you, you know they’re not out there fucking around and then telling you something else when you ask.
You don’t feel doubt. You know that they won’t abuse you, or walk in and out of your life in free will. They care for you and encourage you to be better every single day in all aspects of your life.
And it’s great…
It’s just intimidation that you feel. They seem so well-put together. They have their lives in order. You, you’re still barely trying to climb that ladder. You don’t want to feel like you’re less than them in any way. You know exactly all that you have to offer, but after all the hurtful experiences you’ve been through, you’re just cautious of what you throw out there.
Little by little though, you’ll let the light shine on you again so that you can show everyone that after people step on you and put you down, you can still work your way back to the top.
In recent events, I’ve come to learn that while you try all that you can to keep someone in your life and make them important and a priority, you still can’t change how a person decides to treat you. I’ve had a personal blog not too long ago, but decided to delete it after people began putting me down and using all my thoughts, emotions, dreams, and aspirations against me, to taunt me, to hurt me, and to destroy all I had for myself at the time.
It’s been some months since then, and now I’m starting over…
It has been very difficult the past couple of days to keep myself together from all the nasty words that have been spoken to me without reason or justification. You can love a person all you want, friend, best friend, boyfriend, whatever. But if that person refuses to appreciate you, or even treat you as a human being, then they are not worth the trouble. If that person can’t stand to see you happy without them being the sole reason of your happiness, then they shouldn’t have your time. Because at the end of the day, that person will guilt you, punish you, hurt you, and be disloyal to you. Because they will try to make your world revolve around them. Because they’ll charm you to make you feel secure, and take that away when they want it all to be about them.
This is a person you call a narcissist. It hurts doesn’t it, when the person you’ve trusted the most has also been the one manipulating you the whole time?
You keep asking yourself, “how do I move on from this betrayal?” Sometimes you just don’t, but you have to look at the bigger picture and the positivity that you are surrounded by. Not everything is dark and gray. They only wanted you to believe that it is so that you can depend on them.
It’s hurtful, of course. But sometimes, you just have to bring up the courage to start over.