I woke up this morning feeling like everything that he said to me made me feel like he didn’t think I was good enough for him. Why? Because I didn’t meet his standards or expectations? I keep questioning myself now. Is it because he wants me to be better? Does he want what’s best for me? Or is it because he’s simply just looking down on me? I don’t even know anymore. I keep feeling like I’m not worth it. I doubt I’ll ever be able to find the answers that I’m looking for. I’m currently just trying to live without knowing the answers but it’s so hard. I’ve had so many people treat me like I’m not worth it or like I’m not good enough for them. I’ve constantly changed myself for people that I think care about me but I have no idea who does or doesn’t anymore.
I’ve felt so lost the past few days because I don’t know who I am anymore. I just want to be numb.
Thank you to everyone who has never asked me to change. To all the people that accepted me the way that I am and still loved me for it. To all the people that want to still be by my side without the “if onlys” or “buts”. To all the people that never made me feel less of myself just because I act or am a certain way. To all the people that let me learn from my mistakes my way and understand that I’ll grow up and get to where I need to be one day. Thank you to all the people that stick by me despite my mood swings, despite the fact that I have many more bad days than good. Thank you to all the people that see me in their lives long-term rather than those who enjoy my company just for right now. To all the people that support me and appreciate everything that I do for them. Thank you to all the people that let me cry, throw a tantrum, and get mad at them just because I can’t seem to get my own life right at the moment. To all the people that try to help me see that my day would come where I wouldn’t have to be so sad anymore and that right now it’s okay to cry.
Thank you to all those people… I wish I could be better for you.
You don’t want to be with me, not now, or even probably ever. I love you, you know that. I love your perfections as well as your insecurities, but I can’t live like this. You keep me at an arm’s length. You love me, want me, enjoy my comfort – I make you feel safe and cared for. You may even need me. But, you don’t want to be with me. I love you, and you know that. But I also want someone to love me back and someone that actually wants to be with me to make me happy, not someone who constantly takes their frustrations out on me. I’ll be here for you if you ever need me, but I won’t be your punching bag. I will find real love elsewhere, where ever real love even exists, because I want to be with someone that wants and loves me the way that I want and love them. I love you, and you know that. I just can’t deal with the constant heartbreak anymore.
Here’s to another day of feeling just as shitty as ever. When will I ever just be okay and not be so sad? Let me lay out a regular week for you: 3 days out of the week, I’m grumpy, don’t want to talk to anyone and just want to be left alone. 1 day, if I’m lucky, I’ll have such a good day that I actually talk to people, joke around, and am enthusiastic about my day. But right after that day happens, then comes the waterworks. Can’t stop crying the next day, just sad for no damn reason, and sneaking off into the bathroom to cry so that no one can see. That counts for 5 days out of my week. The other two days… I’m drunk to be numb from any feeling at all.
Is this how life is supposed to work? Because if it is, then it sucks. Why do I have to be the one stuck feeling so much? Why am I that one that has to be stuck caring so much?
I don’t want to feel. I want to be like normal people who are able to simply not be sad so hard.
Happy self awareness month. Let me go back home and do what I do.
So here we are again… Another one of our breaks where we don’t talk, don’t see each other, and neither of us will admit to our mistakes. This cycle is tiring to say the least. Both of us are stubborn as hell and no one wants to lose.
At this point, I guess this is what has to happen. All this time, I’ve never felt as “meant to be” with someone as you. But even though I see potential in you, I don’t know if I’m willing to let you step all over me or to give up what I look for in a partner, because you’re neglecting and uncaring…
Even with the baby, there wasn’t anyone else that I felt right having it with. Although that doesn’t really matter anymore because we don’t have it anymore.
All the changes I felt the pregnancy make on my body, and seeing it now. There was a part of me that missed it, and that makes me feel like it’s worth it. Regardless, it’s too late now…
“Death had a kind face. In her loneliness, he was her best friend.”
When you stop caring about yourself, you stop worrying about walking home alone in the dark anymore…