092916; 2:27pm

Bored with life lately, not motivated, not inspired. Everything is just so plain, from the normal daily routine to the people around me. There’s such a lack of real connection and the urge to want to be around anyone or to do anything. I want to be inspired again, to be excited about life and living again. I normally live life overthinking, and over-caring about everything. Now, I don’t really care about anything. I miss having intimate talks with someone, when we lay there all night going through old music, laughing about stupid jokes that aren’t even funny, and our thoughts, and dreams, and hopes for the future. I hated him for what he did to me, but even if they were lies, at that moment, I felt a connection with him that I hadn’t felt with someone in a long time. The security and comfort surrounded me, and I felt so safe, like being right there at that moment was where I was meant to be. I was going through a rough patch at the time and used up all my energy in places that I shouldn’t have, when I could’ve put my energy in places that I should. One thing that I learned this summer after I lost my friends was, I can survive without them and I was able to find happiness without them. What I also learned this summer was that the intimate connection that I had with him was what I actually needed, was what I couldn’t live and be happy without. I can’t even cry nowadays. I can’t even laugh nowadays. I feel like a zombie, because right now, what is life anyway?

092516; 8:32pm

24 but I still haven’t had it all figured out. For every moment in my life that I wished I could’ve forgotten, I’m glad that it has helped me grow to be a better and smarter person. The past couple of years had some of the rockiest experiences of my life, where many nights the grim reaper knocked at my door and I’d always almost let him in. And only up until 3 nights ago, I had still held onto words someone had told me almost 4 months ago that made me constantly look down on myself for months, when I constantly apologized for my lifestyle and my habits at the time, only to later find out that the Saint who criticized me wasn’t really a saint after all. I’m not the same person I was last year, and not the same person I was 3 days ago. I hope to continue growing, making rational decisions, and being smart about the actions I take and the people I trust. Here’s to 24 😊

092116; 9:04pm

It’s so crazy when you realize how only about 20% of the people you’ve ever met in your life have actually made an impact on you, have actually made you think, or learn, or ever want to remember, both good and bad. Having met thousands of people and you realize that they have not been of relevance to you. 

It’s so funny though, when you’re drunk or on drugs or just high off anything, that at that moment you just talk about so many things as if you actually had a connection. Next thing you know, you wake up the next day not even giving a shit about what you’ve talked about or really even about the person themselves. 

Sometimes it legit feels like a waste of my time. Never to say that I am any better than anyone I have ever met. But really, why waste time on people you don’t really care about when you could be focusing on the ones who you do?

It’s annoying. People are annoying. Sometimes I even wish I can either turn back time to never meet them, or just forget about them altogether. But when you see them in the streets, you still remember… Oh she’s that one girl I got high with… Or he’s that guy that I bought drugs off of and we got wasted… Or it’s that group of people I met at the bar one night and got drunk with. 

You’ll remember them for some time, maybe add them on Facebook or Instagram or whatever was in at the time. And then later on in life you’ll still just be like, oh it’s that guy/girl who comes up on your news feed. But you don’t care about their life or how they’re doing, they’re still just that person you once met. 

I wish I had known this sooner. Those filler people. The ones who you never care about and may never remember, but were just around to fill the time. Wasn’t it still lonely then? Why waste time being lonely with people, when you could simply be lonely alone?

“Death had a kind face. In her loneliness, he was her best friend.”

You Didn’t Exist

I was on cloud 9 before I learned how to fly,

Nor was I even ready to float above the sky. 

But I didn’t know then and neither did I care,

Because at the time, it was you I had there. 

Every day spent with you was simple and perfect,

Making me always yearning for when I’d see you next. 

But just as quickly as you made me feel lifted,

You dropped me and got me all twisted. 

I had wondered why for so long,

What about me that was so wrong?

Was I not enough? Did I not try?

Not enough that you had to look me in the eye,

And tell me it’s not working and this is goodbye?

I tried not to cry. 

I tried not to feel like I wanted to die,

Or that I was torn up all inside. 

So I let myself lie.

I let myself smile and agree to your goodbye.

I walked out your door and went to get high,

To numb all the pain that I was feeling inside. 

I was so mad at you.

I kept asking myself how could you?

How could you tell me you cared,

And that you’d be there?

Or that you weren’t like the others,

And you didn’t want to hurt me or see me suffer?

Yet you did. 

You walked out on me when you were the one I needed. 

But thanks,

Thanks for leaving when you did. 

It made me push myself to be better and test my limits.

I realized what I deserved and you weren’t it.

I brushed off the lies, the judgement, and the bullshit.

Now my life’s back to normal and is as good as it gets.

It’s just like you didn’t even exist. 

61716; 9:18am

Of course I am glad that you let me go when you did because I really needed that extra push to do what I need to do and to get myself together, but I also still feel so angry right now. All this anger and resentment I feel towards you currently, I am at my lowest and have no one to talk to about anything. You left me when I had nothing left, when I needed you the most to be there. So yes, I’m angry.

I’m angry because now, I miss you and I miss being around you and having your calm attitude to keep me calm and sane. I’ve never really felt like being around someone would make me a better person but you make me a better person. You keep me calm and you motivate me. I wish there could’ve been something that I was able to do for you but it just seems like all I ever do is cause you trouble.

I always thought I was a good person until I met you. You’re an even better person than me. I’m so petty and passive aggressive sometimes. How do I channel all these emotions? All these emotions from frustration and anger, to yearning and sadness.

The time I spent with you, I never thought I could get so close to someone like that within just a couple of months. Especially someone that would just change my life so much, make me better. It’s ridiculous. But I can also tell that I seem to need you more than you need me. It’s not that I can’t handle being alone because I can and it’s great to be able to be alone sometimes. But I really do miss you. It’s the feeling of someone being in your life at one point and then they’re not all of a sudden.

It’s only been a couple of weeks but that feels like too much time already…