You Didn’t Exist

I was on cloud 9 before I learned how to fly,

Nor was I even ready to float above the sky. 

But I didn’t know then and neither did I care,

Because at the time, it was you I had there. 

Every day spent with you was simple and perfect,

Making me always yearning for when I’d see you next. 

But just as quickly as you made me feel lifted,

You dropped me and got me all twisted. 

I had wondered why for so long,

What about me that was so wrong?

Was I not enough? Did I not try?

Not enough that you had to look me in the eye,

And tell me it’s not working and this is goodbye?

I tried not to cry. 

I tried not to feel like I wanted to die,

Or that I was torn up all inside. 

So I let myself lie.

I let myself smile and agree to your goodbye.

I walked out your door and went to get high,

To numb all the pain that I was feeling inside. 

I was so mad at you.

I kept asking myself how could you?

How could you tell me you cared,

And that you’d be there?

Or that you weren’t like the others,

And you didn’t want to hurt me or see me suffer?

Yet you did. 

You walked out on me when you were the one I needed. 

But thanks,

Thanks for leaving when you did. 

It made me push myself to be better and test my limits.

I realized what I deserved and you weren’t it.

I brushed off the lies, the judgement, and the bullshit.

Now my life’s back to normal and is as good as it gets.

It’s just like you didn’t even exist. 

61716; 9:18am

Of course I am glad that you let me go when you did because I really needed that extra push to do what I need to do and to get myself together, but I also still feel so angry right now. All this anger and resentment I feel towards you currently, I am at my lowest and have no one to talk to about anything. You left me when I had nothing left, when I needed you the most to be there. So yes, I’m angry.

I’m angry because now, I miss you and I miss being around you and having your calm attitude to keep me calm and sane. I’ve never really felt like being around someone would make me a better person but you make me a better person. You keep me calm and you motivate me. I wish there could’ve been something that I was able to do for you but it just seems like all I ever do is cause you trouble.

I always thought I was a good person until I met you. You’re an even better person than me. I’m so petty and passive aggressive sometimes. How do I channel all these emotions? All these emotions from frustration and anger, to yearning and sadness.

The time I spent with you, I never thought I could get so close to someone like that within just a couple of months. Especially someone that would just change my life so much, make me better. It’s ridiculous. But I can also tell that I seem to need you more than you need me. It’s not that I can’t handle being alone because I can and it’s great to be able to be alone sometimes. But I really do miss you. It’s the feeling of someone being in your life at one point and then they’re not all of a sudden.

It’s only been a couple of weeks but that feels like too much time already…

61516; 11:50am

To the right guy I met at the wrong time:

Everything about you inspires me. Your character, your patience, your focus, your drive. You’re understanding and attentive, and so kind and caring. You have a dorky sense of humor and it’s also so funny how clumsy you are because normally, you’re so well put-together.

You get me. You let me be me. You know me, from my dysfunctional family to my darkest relationship history. You knew I wasn’t perfect – that I’m a little complicated sometimes. I keep my feelings hidden so much and can’t express them for the life of me, so you often don’t know what I’m thinking until I get drunk and cry and end up not being able to stop myself from talking too much. It’s not because I have difficulty expressing my feelings sober, I just have difficulty letting go of control and letting down the walls that I’ve had up for obvious reasons. I have difficulty letting myself seem vulnerable. I didn’t want to like you, but when I realized I did, I was terrified because I kept thinking, “here we go again.” I couldn’t let another person tear me down again, so I acted up. You’ve seen me spin out of control. I knew for a fact that there were a number of things that didn’t rub you the right way about me. I knew them and I really wanted to change them, but I wasn’t confident enough to do that – not because I couldn’t or didn’t know how, but because I wasn’t sure what I was doing it for. Was I doing it for me? I knew I couldn’t live this lifestyle forever, and it was always something I thought about in the back of my mind. Or was I changing for some guy that I wasn’t even sure liked me? You told me you didn’t want to have to ask me to change, and that I should just be who I am because you wanted me to be happy. But the thing was, before you even told me any of that, I already considered it because being around you made me happy. I just wanted you to give me more than just my feelings as the reason to. I was very aware of the distance you kept from me, so the more you drew back, the more I acted up because it constantly made me think that all this with you was just temporary, and that you didn’t see me long-term to put in effort, so why should I. And I was right. You didn’t have faith in me. Still, I want to apologize. I want to say I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough for you to be emotionally invested, that I wasn’t who you hoped I would be at the time you wanted me to be. I wish you were able to see that I would have been able to get there eventually, and that instead of walking out on me, you could’ve given me a reason to try harder because I don’t think you ever saw that I was trying at all. If you would’ve given me some more time, you could’ve seen that I was worth it because I know that I am and that on the exterior, it was just hard to see. But I’m glad you let me go when you did. It helped me to start working to find myself, find things I was interested in, and to find the comfort in being alone since I was losing everyone else during the same time too. I know I said a lot of things when I was drunk, but I honestly didn’t mean it when I asked you to fix me. I just wanted your emotional support and availability, but how do you really ask someone to be emotionally available when they don’t want to?

I just wanted to let you know that I’m worth it, that I’m working on not trying to be emotionally stubborn so that I can trust people again and not have walls so high up that I refuse to let myself be vulnerable to someone who just wanted to see the best in me. Maybe one day, I’ll have someone accept me just the way that I am, with my flaws and all, and still stick around knowing that I’ll get better with time, rather than walking out on me when I was at my lowest. I’m sorry I wasn’t the best for you, and I agree with you when you said our time spent was great. The time spent with you were some of the happiest moments of my life because at one point, you genuinely accepted me the way that I was, and I thank you for that.

61416; 4:37pm

Friday was not an isolated incident. She’s done things like this before. If there’s no one here to watch her, she’ll go around making decisions for herself without consulting anyone. You always hear me complaining about her but it’s not like I’m the only one she talks or looks down upon. Behind your backs, she’ll make comments as if she’s better than you too, the only difference is that she’s obviously incapable of stealing your job because you are managers and you have the back-up from each other and the owner/CEO. Just because she’s a baby and can’t handle people telling it to her like it is, doesn’t make me, or anyone else who stands up to her BS, a bitch. You make it seem like I’m the bully because she bursts out crying when she can’t handle people being straight-forward. You take her side without even trying to see the other side of the story. Just because I didn’t blow up at her doesn’t mean that I wasn’t upset about it. I brought it up to you and other managers involved and everyone handled the situation differently. But what if I felt frustrated because I felt like I was being bullied out of opportunities that I was clearly given? If I was given the opportunity to take ownership and lead something, of course I would take it because I know I worked hard to deserve the opportunity and because I know I’ll get the results that I’m asked of. And for me to get “bullied” out of that opportunity, how do you think it makes me feel? I strive to grow and learn in the workplace so that I can constantly move up and succeed in whatever I do. I work to deserve opportunities. I don’t step on other people to get there. You said that she was just frustrated and competitive, but what gives her the right to take something out from under someone, or step on someone’s toes, and then gets in trouble for it, and yet STILL get backed-up and support for the things she’s obviously done wrong, and then other person gets in trouble for being insensitive?! You didn’t seem to see her insensitivity when she decided to cross me, just because I wasn’t a crybaby about it like she was. You said you will handle each incident as it comes but you can’t fix her ego issues. But the problem is exactly that. It is because of her ego that she’s constantly over-stepping her boundaries. Yet you keep giving her chances and backing her up rather than backing up the people she’s bullying. If she cries and feels sad about it, that’s on her because that’s her fault. I don’t ask her to bully me but she’s constantly asking for a back-hand. I know everyone wants examples of what she’s done. I generally don’t say much about it because I’m trying to be professional and give her chances not to cross me but she keeps doing it. She doesn’t respect me at all. She’ll make comments about admin work like all we do is staple documents and plan parties. She could use some more EQ training and sympathizing with her peers. She wants to always talk about women building each other up and empowering each other in the workforce but here she is talking down on the job that I do. She once told me that whenever she gets emails from Lia or me about admin related things, she’ll make it less of a priority to respond back because she has more important stuff to do. I get that sometimes we are all busy and prioritize things but to make a statement like that? It’s obviously part of my job to gather information from people, whatever it may be. But just because I’m admin doesn’t make my job any less important than hers and for her to say something like that and undermine what I do is rude and disrespectful, and it also holds me back from doing my job because she doesn’t think it’s worth her time to respond. Another incident is when a manager was out and I was asked to lead the afternoon meeting. Great, I took ownership of that and asked those involved to meet. But she didn’t seem to take me seriously enough to even show up on time. We were already almost done with the meeting before she decided to show up and say, so what do we have, as if our time wasn’t important. Just because she wanted to wander around while we had a meeting doesn’t mean we had to repeat our entire meeting to accommodate to her, but as a TEAM, we did anyway because she needs this information to do her job, although she doesn’t seem to respect that we had our jobs to do as well. And then of course Friday happened. There were many incidents that occurred too close together for me not to get frustrated about it. But yet, I’m a bitch and I’m a bully. You’re just letting her keep doing it again because you’re constantly siding with her and backing her up just because she’s a crybaby and then you go tell me that I should be nicer. If she’s clearly undermining me, my job, and my abilities to do my job, then she can go ahead and take it if she thinks it’s so easy. Sure it’s so easy to be constantly reactive and solve problems as they come up as well as still trying to make sure you get all the previous items on your list done and done correctly for that matter and still try to answer calls and prioritize one person’s issue over another person’s request. But she doesn’t even have answering phones on her plate. She can care less if we don’t have phone coverage but she’ll never pick up the phone regardless. She wants to keep acting like she’s looking out for the clients when she’s talking to her managers but it looks like she only knows how to do it proactively, barely. She doesn’t care to pick up phones for clients that call for immediate and reactive support. But sure it’s so easy in her eyes. If you keep backing her up, then you’re letting her think that you’re agreeing to her actions, and if you agree to all the things she’s said and done about admin work, then that’s fine by me. If my job can easily be done by someone who can’t even do her own job correctly, then there’s no point of me trying to work hard or grow here – either fire me so I won’t keep costing you, or I’ll leave myself to go somewhere where I’ll actually have the opportunity to work hard, grow, and move up like I deserve.

61316; 9:12am

This chapter of my life is now coming to a close. This chapter with my best friends whom I spend almost every day with. We are all going our separate ways to reach our life goals, to be adults, and to be responsible human beings in society.

It is a little bittersweet because they’re all leaving and they’re also all I have here. But it’s also time for me to grow up and start living the real adult life. No more partying on weekdays and no more binge drinking and blacking out. I never thought this day would come. We all kept acting like our friendships would never change, and yet here it is. We are obviously going to try and keep our friendships working and functioning as closely as possible but distance and life usually gets in the way.

I am hoping this change is for the better. I’m hoping this change will help me get my life together.

I am still extremely down because he left me. Now, I’m at a point in my life where I can actually prove to him that I can change but now it’s too late. Why did I have to mess up so bad? Why couldn’t I just hold it out another couple of weeks? I’m hoping sooner rather than later that we could fix things. I’m hoping that the new training is going to ease my anxiety and help me be better.

Time heals all right? I guess right now I’m hoping that I can distract myself from thinking about him by staying busy, focus on building my career and myself, and then maybe someone will accept me just the way that I am.