33116; 4:06pm

You don’t want to be with me, not now, or even probably ever. I love you, you know that. I love your perfections as well as your insecurities, but I can’t live like this. You keep me at an arm’s length. You love me, want me, enjoy my comfort – I make you feel safe and cared for. You may even need me. But, you don’t want to be with me. I love you, and you know that. But I also want someone to love me back and someone that actually wants to be with me to make me happy, not someone who constantly takes their frustrations out on me. I’ll be here for you if you ever need me, but I won’t be your punching bag. I will find real love elsewhere, where ever real love even exists, because I want to be with someone that wants and loves me the way that I want and love them. I love you, and you know that. I just can’t deal with the constant heartbreak anymore.

32416; 3:36pm

Here’s to another day of feeling just as shitty as ever. When will I ever just be okay and not be so sad? Let me lay out a regular week for you: 3 days out of the week, I’m grumpy, don’t want to talk to anyone and just want to be left alone. 1 day, if I’m lucky, I’ll have such a good day that I actually talk to people, joke around, and am enthusiastic about my day. But right after that day happens, then comes the waterworks. Can’t stop crying the next day, just sad for no damn reason, and sneaking off into the bathroom to cry so that no one can see. That counts for 5 days out of my week. The other two days… I’m drunk to be numb from any feeling at all.

Is this how life is supposed to work? Because if it is, then it sucks. Why do I have to be the one stuck feeling so much? Why am I that one that has to be stuck caring so much?

I don’t want to feel. I want to be like normal people who are able to simply not be sad so hard.

Happy self awareness month. Let me go back home and do what I do.

030716; 11:14am

So here we are again… Another one of our breaks where we don’t talk, don’t see each other, and neither of us will admit to our mistakes. This cycle is tiring to say the least. Both of us are stubborn as hell and no one wants to lose.

At this point, I guess this is what has to happen. All this time, I’ve never felt as “meant to be” with someone as you. But even though I see potential in you, I don’t know if I’m willing to let you step all over me or to give up what I look for in a partner, because you’re neglecting and uncaring…

Even with the baby, there wasn’t anyone else that I felt right having it with. Although that doesn’t really matter anymore because we don’t have it anymore.

All the changes I felt the pregnancy make on my body, and seeing it now. There was a part of me that missed it, and that makes me feel like it’s worth it. Regardless, it’s too late now…

With money…

With money you can buy a house
But not a home.
With money you can buy a clock
But not time.
With money you can buy a bed
But not sleep.
With money you can buy a book
But not knowledge.
With money you can see a doctor
But can’t buy good health.
With money you can buy a position
But not respect.
With money you can buy blood
But not life.
With money you can buy sex
But not love.

11816; 2:21pm

Don’t you hate it when you stick your neck out for people and defend people and be there for people, and then they act so unappreciative and ungrateful about it? Yeah, that’s pretty much how I’ve felt about her the past couple of weeks.

When shit really goes down, she acts like my problems are a burden to her, that it’s something she has to “deal” with. What a brat.

When her and her boyfriend broke up and she didn’t have a place to live, who did she turn to? Me. I took her in, gave her a place to stay, rent free at first for two months, and then she stayed permanently. I gave up my sanctuary, my place of peace where I can be alone, so that she could have a place to live. I had been waiting forever to have a place of my own but I gave that up for her because that’s the right thing to do.

To console her, I took her out with me, and let her spend time with me. I introduced her to my friends. I taught her how to talk to people and how to make friends because as she was in a relationship for three years and never went out, I gave her some pointers when we were around people. Ask for phone numbers, I told her. Don’t be weird or tell people you just meet too much about you. Ask them basic questions like what year they were, their major, or things of that sort. Okay, she said.

As weeks turned into months, I could tell she became more confident in the way she interacted with people. Those people, my friends. Still though, she wasn’t yet comfortable going out to places without me, so I continued going out with her. If I was too busy, I’d tell her that there were events at so-and-so’s house, you should check it out and maybe take part in the big bro-little sis program.

That night she went and came home with a big bro. Great, that’s good for her. Now she has friends. I later found out who her big bro was and of course he’s my friend. That’s cool too.

Within the past month, the way she dressed changed. Her wardrobe became similar to the people she hung out with, wearing Diamond, Huff, all those fuck boy/girl brands. Whatever, no big deal I guess.

And then I started to notice, her phone vibrates and she’s up and getting ready and leaves the house without even saying anything. I ask her where she’s going and she says, oh, the library. Okay. Later on in the night, I’m laying in bed figuring out my plans for the night and guess who I’d see in my friends’ SnapChats, my precious baby sister. Hmm.. Thought you were at the library, I texted her. She says that she was but her big bro texted her to come drink.

That’s cool. Didn’t ever think to let me know or ask me if I wanted to meet up? When this began to become a routine, I realized how used I felt. So you only talk to me when it’s convenient for you? Okay, some sister you are. Spoiled little brat who doesn’t even know how to show any type of appreciation for where you are today. I created you. I gave you what you have and I can easily take it away if I was just as heartless as you are.

Be careful though, one wrong move and I’ll kick your ass in the street. I promise you, these friends that you have, I’ve known them many years longer than you have. They’re friends for fun, but if shit goes down for you, I can guarantee that they’ll never take you in the way that I did. If I kicked you out of my house, I promise you that you will not have a place to live with them for long.

Don’t ever forget where you came from and the people who got you to where you are today. Those are the people that had your back from day one, not the people that you’re barely just getting to know right now…