It’s Been a Year…

It has been a year since I last posted here. So much has changed since then, immensely! Where do I even begin as I sit here and try to look back at all the things that has happened?

I guess this is where my story begins as the change started…

I moved out of Santa Barbara. Yeah, I know, crazy right?! I left at the end of December 2016, only a few months after my last post. I realized at the time that it was about that point in my life where I left the place that left me so miserable and depressed that last couple of years. Now I’m out here in San Diego, back home with the family and finally being able to take part in familial affairs that I had missed out on for the past seven years. Though, that has changed as well. Everyone has grown up so there really is no need to come together anymore; laziness or just having grown out of it all.

I also had to leave my job back in Santa Barbara too. After two years, that place has taught me a lot and I wish I could have stayed but obviously, it’s back in Santa Barbara. Since then, I’ve had three different jobs. I couldn’t make one stick, not because I was incapable, but because they didn’t fit my needs and what I was looking for in a job. I’ve just recently completed my first month at my current job. For the sake of my resume, I will be here a while. It’s not too bad, apart from the fact that my boss is like a maniac jerk. But it pays well, the work isn’t all that bad, and my coworkers are pretty chill.

I’ve started a new traveling hobby, too, this year. It’s an expensive hobby but I rarely ever spend my money on anything else anyway so might as well spend it on something I enjoy and love. This past April, I went to Japan with a friend and her family. It was pretty cool, although we pretty much just did touristy things. The food there was amazing though so I can’t complain. From cold and rainy Japan, I flew over to hot and humid Vietnam and met up with a friend, whom, at the time, I had such a huge crush on. He was cool. He encouraged me to see the world and get out there while I was still young. He was older than me by about six years so long story short, it didn’t really work out. But we had a blast in Vietnam. We went out to Castaway Island where we pretty much spent three days and two nights drinking, partying, and doing a bunch of water activities. Once we returned back to the mainland, we had about a day to just take a walk around the town before we had our flights out the next morning. I flew down to South Vietnam to visit family, while he flew elsewhere. I only spent a couple of days with my family before having to leave back to the states.

Not long after I returned, the following weekend arrived and I was on my way to my first Coachella Music Festival. It was definitely an amazing experience, but HOT! Following Coachella, I went to visit Santa Barbara for alumni weekend, just before having to start a new job.

At this new job, though, was probably where my life took the biggest turn it had in years. I met someone. Despite having a really complicated relationship the first couple of months, we finally started to get serious and I’m still trying to get the hang of this relationship thing, especially having been single since that one person. This was probably the biggest change that I’ve had this year apart from moving back to San Diego. What I think though, this is a good change. And here we are today, making plans for trips and travels together. I’m in a position now where I can share my most adored hobby with another person, and I’m thrilled.

*Side note (since this didn’t really fit anywhere else in my story): Somewhere along the way, in July, I went to Cartagena, Colombia for some time. I’d say that it could have been a better trip if some of our plans worked out but I’m glad I went anyway. Although it’s pretty third-world, there were some parts of it that were just incredibly beautiful! Also, their coconut-lime juice was ridiculously good!

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092916; 2:27pm

Bored with life lately, not motivated, not inspired. Everything is just so plain, from the normal daily routine to the people around me. There’s such a lack of real connection and the urge to want to be around anyone or to do anything. I want to be inspired again, to be excited about life and living again. I normally live life overthinking, and over-caring about everything. Now, I don’t really care about anything. I miss having intimate talks with someone, when we lay there all night going through old music, laughing about stupid jokes that aren’t even funny, and our thoughts, and dreams, and hopes for the future. I hated him for what he did to me, but even if they were lies, at that moment, I felt a connection with him that I hadn’t felt with someone in a long time. The security and comfort surrounded me, and I felt so safe, like being right there at that moment was where I was meant to be. I was going through a rough patch at the time and used up all my energy in places that I shouldn’t have, when I could’ve put my energy in places that I should. One thing that I learned this summer after I lost my friends was, I can survive without them and I was able to find happiness without them. What I also learned this summer was that the intimate connection that I had with him was what I actually needed, was what I couldn’t live and be happy without. I can’t even cry nowadays. I can’t even laugh nowadays. I feel like a zombie, because right now, what is life anyway?

092516; 8:32pm

24 but I still haven’t had it all figured out. For every moment in my life that I wished I could’ve forgotten, I’m glad that it has helped me grow to be a better and smarter person. The past couple of years had some of the rockiest experiences of my life, where many nights the grim reaper knocked at my door and I’d always almost let him in. And only up until 3 nights ago, I had still held onto words someone had told me almost 4 months ago that made me constantly look down on myself for months, when I constantly apologized for my lifestyle and my habits at the time, only to later find out that the Saint who criticized me wasn’t really a saint after all. I’m not the same person I was last year, and not the same person I was 3 days ago. I hope to continue growing, making rational decisions, and being smart about the actions I take and the people I trust. Here’s to 24 😊

092116; 9:04pm

It’s so crazy when you realize how only about 20% of the people you’ve ever met in your life have actually made an impact on you, have actually made you think, or learn, or ever want to remember, both good and bad. Having met thousands of people and you realize that they have not been of relevance to you. 

It’s so funny though, when you’re drunk or on drugs or just high off anything, that at that moment you just talk about so many things as if you actually had a connection. Next thing you know, you wake up the next day not even giving a shit about what you’ve talked about or really even about the person themselves. 

Sometimes it legit feels like a waste of my time. Never to say that I am any better than anyone I have ever met. But really, why waste time on people you don’t really care about when you could be focusing on the ones who you do?

It’s annoying. People are annoying. Sometimes I even wish I can either turn back time to never meet them, or just forget about them altogether. But when you see them in the streets, you still remember… Oh she’s that one girl I got high with… Or he’s that guy that I bought drugs off of and we got wasted… Or it’s that group of people I met at the bar one night and got drunk with. 

You’ll remember them for some time, maybe add them on Facebook or Instagram or whatever was in at the time. And then later on in life you’ll still just be like, oh it’s that guy/girl who comes up on your news feed. But you don’t care about their life or how they’re doing, they’re still just that person you once met. 

I wish I had known this sooner. Those filler people. The ones who you never care about and may never remember, but were just around to fill the time. Wasn’t it still lonely then? Why waste time being lonely with people, when you could simply be lonely alone?

“Death had a kind face. In her loneliness, he was her best friend.”

You Didn’t Exist

I was on cloud 9 before I learned how to fly,

Nor was I even ready to float above the sky. 

But I didn’t know then and neither did I care,

Because at the time, it was you I had there. 

Every day spent with you was simple and perfect,

Making me always yearning for when I’d see you next. 

But just as quickly as you made me feel lifted,

You dropped me and got me all twisted. 

I had wondered why for so long,

What about me that was so wrong?

Was I not enough? Did I not try?

Not enough that you had to look me in the eye,

And tell me it’s not working and this is goodbye?

I tried not to cry. 

I tried not to feel like I wanted to die,

Or that I was torn up all inside. 

So I let myself lie.

I let myself smile and agree to your goodbye.

I walked out your door and went to get high,

To numb all the pain that I was feeling inside. 

I was so mad at you.

I kept asking myself how could you?

How could you tell me you cared,

And that you’d be there?

Or that you weren’t like the others,

And you didn’t want to hurt me or see me suffer?

Yet you did. 

You walked out on me when you were the one I needed. 

But thanks,

Thanks for leaving when you did. 

It made me push myself to be better and test my limits.

I realized what I deserved and you weren’t it.

I brushed off the lies, the judgement, and the bullshit.

Now my life’s back to normal and is as good as it gets.

It’s just like you didn’t even exist.