121715; 10:15pm

It’s nice to feel at the end of the day that someone out there cares for you better than the last person did. Although it still is difficult to let someone in, afraid that you’ll be judged by who you are, you’re slowly opening up yourself to the possibility that this someone really won’t hurt you.

You’re taking it slow, but you’re progressing to be able to open up your heart again to care for someone new. You tell yourself that it’s about time you let something good happen to you, someone good.

You have little to no expectations that something will happen in the future, but to KNOW that this person sincerely and genuinely cares for you makes you feel safe to not expect so much. The feeling of knowing they’re not playing you. The feeling of security… You haven’t felt this feeling from a person in years. You don’t question what they’re doing when you’re not there. You don’t question the kinds of people that they spend time with. You don’t question what they do on their free time. Because at the end of the day, even if they’re currently not doing these things with you, you know they’re not out there fucking around and then telling you something else when you ask.

You don’t feel doubt. You know that they won’t abuse you, or walk in and out of your life in free will. They care for you and encourage you to be better every single day in all aspects of your life.

And it’s great…

It’s just intimidation that you feel. They seem so well-put together. They have their lives in order. You, you’re still barely trying to climb that ladder. You don’t want to feel like you’re less than them in any way. You know exactly all that you have to offer, but after all the hurtful experiences you’ve been through, you’re just cautious of what you throw out there.

Little by little though, you’ll let the light shine on you again so that you can show everyone that after people step on you and put you down, you can still work your way back to the top.

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starting new –

121515; 10:16pm

In recent events, I’ve come to learn that while you try all that you can to keep someone in your life and make them important and a priority, you still can’t change how a person decides to treat you. I’ve had a personal blog not too long ago, but decided to delete it after people began putting me down and using all my thoughts, emotions, dreams, and aspirations against me, to taunt me, to hurt me, and to destroy all I had for myself at the time.

It’s been some months since then, and now I’m starting over…

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It has been very difficult the past couple of days to keep myself together from all the nasty words that have been spoken to me without reason or justification. You can love a person all you want, friend, best friend, boyfriend, whatever. But if that person refuses to appreciate you, or even treat you as a human being, then they are not worth the trouble. If that person can’t stand to see you happy without them being the sole reason of your happiness, then they shouldn’t have your time. Because at the end of the day, that person will guilt you, punish you, hurt you, and be disloyal to you. Because they will try to make your world revolve around them. Because they’ll charm you to make you feel secure, and take that away when they want it all to be about them.

This is a person you call a narcissist. It hurts doesn’t it, when the person you’ve trusted the most has also been the one manipulating you the whole time?

You keep asking yourself, “how do I move on from this betrayal?” Sometimes you just don’t, but you have to look at the bigger picture and the positivity that you are surrounded by. Not everything is dark and gray. They only wanted you to believe that it is so that you can depend on them.

It’s hurtful, of course. But sometimes, you just have to bring up the courage to start over.