61516; 11:50am

To the right guy I met at the wrong time:

Everything about you inspires me. Your character, your patience, your focus, your drive. You’re understanding and attentive, and so kind and caring. You have a dorky sense of humor and it’s also so funny how clumsy you are because normally, you’re so well put-together.

You get me. You let me be me. You know me, from my dysfunctional family to my darkest relationship history. You knew I wasn’t perfect – that I’m a little complicated sometimes. I keep my feelings hidden so much and can’t express them for the life of me, so you often don’t know what I’m thinking until I get drunk and cry and end up not being able to stop myself from talking too much. It’s not because I have difficulty expressing my feelings sober, I just have difficulty letting go of control and letting down the walls that I’ve had up for obvious reasons. I have difficulty letting myself seem vulnerable. I didn’t want to like you, but when I realized I did, I was terrified because I kept thinking, “here we go again.” I couldn’t let another person tear me down again, so I acted up. You’ve seen me spin out of control. I knew for a fact that there were a number of things that didn’t rub you the right way about me. I knew them and I really wanted to change them, but I wasn’t confident enough to do that – not because I couldn’t or didn’t know how, but because I wasn’t sure what I was doing it for. Was I doing it for me? I knew I couldn’t live this lifestyle forever, and it was always something I thought about in the back of my mind. Or was I changing for some guy that I wasn’t even sure liked me? You told me you didn’t want to have to ask me to change, and that I should just be who I am because you wanted me to be happy. But the thing was, before you even told me any of that, I already considered it because being around you made me happy. I just wanted you to give me more than just my feelings as the reason to. I was very aware of the distance you kept from me, so the more you drew back, the more I acted up because it constantly made me think that all this with you was just temporary, and that you didn’t see me long-term to put in effort, so why should I. And I was right. You didn’t have faith in me. Still, I want to apologize. I want to say I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough for you to be emotionally invested, that I wasn’t who you hoped I would be at the time you wanted me to be. I wish you were able to see that I would have been able to get there eventually, and that instead of walking out on me, you could’ve given me a reason to try harder because I don’t think you ever saw that I was trying at all. If you would’ve given me some more time, you could’ve seen that I was worth it because I know that I am and that on the exterior, it was just hard to see. But I’m glad you let me go when you did. It helped me to start working to find myself, find things I was interested in, and to find the comfort in being alone since I was losing everyone else during the same time too. I know I said a lot of things when I was drunk, but I honestly didn’t mean it when I asked you to fix me. I just wanted your emotional support and availability, but how do you really ask someone to be emotionally available when they don’t want to?

I just wanted to let you know that I’m worth it, that I’m working on not trying to be emotionally stubborn so that I can trust people again and not have walls so high up that I refuse to let myself be vulnerable to someone who just wanted to see the best in me. Maybe one day, I’ll have someone accept me just the way that I am, with my flaws and all, and still stick around knowing that I’ll get better with time, rather than walking out on me when I was at my lowest. I’m sorry I wasn’t the best for you, and I agree with you when you said our time spent was great. The time spent with you were some of the happiest moments of my life because at one point, you genuinely accepted me the way that I was, and I thank you for that.

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